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I looked at my horoscope today, and it said that I am in denial.

DENIAL. The word echoes through my brain like a knife stabbing multiple times at my flesh, literally getting under my skin and rupturing my insides. Stabbing until I wake from this delusion, open my eyes and realize how wrong I was. Or does it just make me numb, thus leaving more room for denial? I don’t know the answer. Maybe it could go either way, depending on which way I want to go.

I have been looking for answers, hoping to find the right ones. I have been yearning for a sign to direct me down the right path. Turning to my horoscope on a daily basis certainly hasn’t brought me comfort, but it has made an unbelievable amount of sense, for I have an inkling that I am in a severe amount of denial right now, a denial I need to shake myself from. As much as I want to deny it, my horoscope seems to be the sign I have been searching for.

Last New Year’s Eve seems like yesterday. It’s hard to believe another year has gone by. So many expectations I had, so many hopes and dreams reformed, so many hardaches endured. I anticipated it to be a better year. I anticipated that things would go right. I had finally got over something after three long, upsetting years, and was finally opened to embracing change for the better.

I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself hurt like that ever again. This year broke that promise for me, however. Another failed attempt at something I wished for. But in the words of Elphaba, “Wishing only wounds the heart” (Wicked). That small shred of hope I still hold onto for some awful reason. The painful realization of the fact that I am in denial…

Along with the bad, this year also brought good, wonderful things to my life. College graduation allowed me to start a new chapter. It was time. I was ready to move from the classroom to the workforce. Getting a job helped me discover new passions, passions I hope to keep around for a long time. I made new friends, spent time with my longterm friends, and made wonderful memories with both parties. I grew stronger in my faith, stronger than ever, realizing that it is the most important thing.

I am not at all a perfect person; I am so far from it. This past year helped me to realize that. As I get older, I realize that change is inevitable, regardless of how painful it may be. Realizing this certainly doesn’t make things better. In fact, there are times when it seems impossible to bear. In any case, despite the pain and sadness, everything is going to be OK.

Here’s to a new year filled with uncertainties.

Cheers!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/prompt-new-you/

I fled from thee, though sometime thee I sought

In thy cold chamber, my humility surrendered.

I fled to thee in lustful moments of distraught

Behavior, I wish I did not remember

The time I placed myself under thy control,

And made myself vulnerable

To thee, my head spins with sickness knowing

What I have done, my nightgown flowing

From my bare shoulders, I shiver

In the cold darkness

How did it come down to this?

Many a time I have asked this question

To my swirling conscious, my divine possession

And have decided on the perfect conclusion:

Desperate, I was, to love and be loved,

To feel like I had someone,

I was captivated by delusion’s dreadful spell,

And now, I would rather be alone.

Dear heart, what did thee expect?

I have never loved thee

I loved my lust instead,

For thou art too kind for me. I crept

Along the winding hallways endlessly

To find something, anything

To pretend to love

And call my Turtle Dove,

And there, thou was sent from above,

But now, I know that I deserve

To fulfill my own happiness and reserve

My love for someone other than thee.

… the mystery of thoughts ….

Rushes through my veins and numbs

My limbs and the room spins with me

in the middle of the

Revolving carousel of drunkenness.

My body turns

warm as I cry for

this spinning carousel to stop my mind

from racing.

Rapid waves slap

against the sand and my feet

are welcomed with cool water

that relieves the pain of

Sweat.

Sweet sweat marbles dribble

down my neck and back and rest

in the midst of my butt crack to give me

a serious case of

Swamp Ass.

Gum wrappers wrap

around slippery, slobbery, chewed

pieces of gum,

folded securely and dispensed

into a pocket; carelessly

Forgotten.

My pockets are portable

Trash cans

as balls of chewed-up slime harden and

Leak through their trap, creating

Sticky stains on the

Fabric.

The room spins and I sink

into drowsy sleep and slip

between the satin sheets and slick

across the mirror of ice and creep

into the quiet shadows against my sleeves

and dream.

Fearlessly, I glide,

Skate against the wicked shine that stares

at me with evil eyes on blades

as sharp as mine;

I cross my eyes and wait,

You told me it was safe.

Slap a hand against my mouth,

Cover the noise; block out

the sound that strikes my lips

to move.